I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
