Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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