I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
