I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
me + whiskey = a bad person
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
