i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I need moral support for this bender
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
