i think my mom watched the whole time
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
