I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
