A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
he shaved USA in his pubs
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
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Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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