My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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