The best revenge is premature balding
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
third nipple confirmed
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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