im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
