I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
