Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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