I heard we made out
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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