her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
