How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
