booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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