I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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