I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
