so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
