I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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