he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
