Jerry, you need to find god
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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