On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
