first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
sex in a hospital.. check
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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