I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
The beer is more important than you right now.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I need water and some morals
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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