im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
there's paper in my vomit.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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