Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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