it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i think i have herpe
just one?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We left the knife in your bed.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
