Who did Billy Mays play for?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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