she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
