I didn't shave. On purpose
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
