This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
i black out too much to be "responsible"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
