So drunk its hurt
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize