My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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