Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize