I need to stop coming to work sober
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
