I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
