Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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