I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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