don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
