Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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