Don't you send me to vm
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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