I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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