What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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