every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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