i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
