I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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