i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
