Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
