so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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