so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize