i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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