Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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