If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
