I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize