I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
