I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
