i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize